New Moon: Edward's Story
by mrs.cullen22
Summary: Trying out New Moon in Edward's POV. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Summer.

I hadn't truly appreciated the season in many years. But now that Bella had entered my life, I realized its true potential. With no school restricting our time, or homework, or high school boys to thwart off, it was a beautiful thing. Even better, the days were longer, and when it was sunny Bella would come over and we'd spend time in the yard or go to the meadow. When the rain made its appearance, we stayed in my room. I would listen to music and Bella would read. Or we would just talk for hours. Or kiss. That was a favorite of course. Sometimes too, we watched a movie with the family. Esme even made dinner a few times for Bella. It was heartwarming to have her so close with my family.

It's not that I forgot about the promise I'd made myself. I knew that I should've left and let her live a normal life, but I couldn't. I just physically could not do it; at least not now. I pushed the thoughts away as soon as they started. It was too easy to get upset with myself and I didn't want to ruin this day.

It was August 30th, next week we would be back in school, so decided to take Bella back to the meadow today.

The weather was sunny and warm. It was a rare day, actually. The temperature was a steaming seventy-seven degrees; many times it didn't go over seventy in August. Thin wisps of clouds dotted the bright blue skies as I drove.

"I don't want the summer to end. I need to work on my tan." Bella smirked, pointing at her one very pale leg; she'd gotten the cast off and her legs didn't quite match in color yet.

I grinned. "We'll catch up on sun today. With all the glare bouncing off me, you'll be bronzed in no time." I reached over to rustle her hair.

She smiled at me, a big, cheeky grin. It warmed me.

We turned off the road and got out. I gestured to my back. Bella's face contorted a bit.

"Will you go slower this time? I just ate, you know."

"Of course, silly Bella. I don't want you getting sick before the day has started. Now come on up."

Bella wrapped her legs around me. The feeling of her so close was like nothing else. I held her small legs gently as her arms hugged my neck. I felt her nose and lips on my neck and she sighed quietly. It sent a shiver of pleasure down my back.

I ran to the clearing, somewhat slower this time; it only took a few minutes. We burst out from the dark canopy of trees into the brilliant sunlight. The grass was soft and warm from the summer heat. I breathed in the fresh air as it mixed with Bella's scent. I turned to look at her. She was alight from the glow of the midday sun, her skin shone and her hair blew around her softly in the light breeze.

"Perfect." I murmured.

I reached out to take her hand, leading her to the middle of the clearing. We laid down, our hands entwined. There was comfortable silence for a while as I stroked her hand with my fingers. I closed my eyes…

"I see an elephant!" Bella said cheerfully.

"What?" My eyes shot open.

"The clouds right over there," Bella pointed with her finger to a cluster of puffy white clouds, "it looks like an elephant. Have you ever played that game before?"

"Yes, I believe I have. But it's been a while." I confessed. _About__ninety-five__years__ago__…_

"Ok, well, it's your turn then." She offered, turning up on her side, to look at me. Her hair fell down over her shoulders and her face looked absolutely angelic. She glowed. I paused, trying to capture every facet of her image before I turned my eyes up.

"Hmmm..let's see." I watched the sky for a moment. "I see a bird…wait, no it's a plane…" I paused, grinning wickedly, as Bella searched eagerly, propped up on her elbows now. "No, wait! It's…superman!" I laughed, and pulled her to me.

"Ugh!" Bella rolled her eyes, shoving back against me. "You…." She trailed off; trying to think of some fitting insult I'm sure.

"What, love?" I asked politely, pulling her back to me. The top half of her was lying on my chest now. Her hair fell in sheets around her face and mine, like a shield.

In seconds, the mood shifted. The playfulness was gone. Bella's breathing hitched, her heart pounded against my chest. She was so warm, so close…I was tempted beyond reason.

Slowly, I lifted my fingers to her cheek, stroking her soft, now blushing skin. My throat burned a little more but I ignored it. Her eyes closed momentarily. I traced her eyelids. Her lips were next; they parted slightly under my touch. Bella made a slight noise, a sigh or a moan maybe? I wasn't sure but the sound and the vibration under my fingertip sent me over the edge.

I pulled her up further, so we were face to face. Our eyes blazed into each others.

Slowly she closed the space. Our lips met and I was lost. The sun, the warmth, the meadow, the smell of her warm skin and hair mixed into one intoxicating sensation. I took her bottom lip in mine, careful as always. She whimpered softly. I groaned at the sound. My hands moved down to her waist, trailing the hem of her shirt as I pulled her even closer. Our mouths moved in perfect unison. I pulled my lips away only to move to her cheek, and then to her neck, inhaling deeply. Bella sighed softly as I moved to her ear. Our eyes were closed. I felt my lips against her skin as I whispered.

"I love you."

She nuzzled her head down into the crook of my neck, running her hands through my hair.

"I love you too."

We lay like that for a long time. Eventually, Bella's breathing deepened and she dozed off, her head on my chest. My eyes were shut too, but sleep I could not, and my thoughts raced.

She was perfect. My match in every way. She made me whole. I would kill anyone who tried to hurt her and protect her in every way. But I couldn't keep myself away. And therein lay the problem. How could I think I could leave her? And how dare I be that senseless to think I wasn't a threat anymore. Why? Because I didn't kill her in Phoenix? I was so close. I shivered at the thought, trying to ignore the sense of urgency I felt.

Something made my eyes open as I held Bella. When I looked up the tone of sky had darkened. The weather seemed to match my thoughts. The whimsical clouds had taken on more sinister shapes. Against the grey sky, I now saw _him_. My eyes widened as the wind far above me blew life into that monster, he was hunched over something. Then I saw her at his feet. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to dispel the image.

_Just clouds….they are just stupid clouds!_

I opened my eyes again and gasped. Bella shifted slightly but didn't move.

The clouds had another image now. I knew it was Bella, she was lying down. Smaller, thin clouds formed her hair, sprayed out every which way. Another figure was holding her arm. The winds blew and the figure above her lowered its head to her arm and stayed there.

I tried to look away from it but I couldn't move. I knew my mind had to be replaying my actions in Phoenix and I wanted to ignore it, but I could not.

I lay staring in horror until something hit me in the face. And then again, and again. It took me a few seconds to realize it was raining.

I finally broke my gaze and gently shook Bella. I couldn't have her getting soaked.

"I'm up, I'm up. Sorry…" She looked over at me and trailed off. My expression was probably not what she expected.

I tried to smile. "It's ok, lets just get out of here. It's about to downpour."

She hopped up and I ran quickly back towards the car. She didn't complain about the pace this time.

We were almost there when the sky opened up and drenched us. Thankfully it was August rain; it wasn't freezing.

We got to the car and Bella literally slid off me, laughing. I couldn't help but feel my spirits lifted. Seeing her safe and healthy in front of me made me feel much better.

Her hair was matted down, dripping. The rest of her was soaked, head to toe. It was quite beautiful, actually. She turned to reach for the handle of the door. I stopped her and spun her around. She leaned back against the door.

"You are so beautiful." I whispered as I moved towards her.

"I probably look like a drowned rat." She rolled her eyes.

"No." I put a finger to her lips. "Actually, you are downright…" my eyes gazed over her form where her damp clothes stuck to her body. The rain ran down in rivets over her pink cheeks, "…seductive." I almost growled.

"Oh." Was all she got out as put my lips against hers. I'd never wanted her much as I did now. Normally I tried to be a gentlemen but rain and white shirts made that _very_difficult. I pressed my body against hers, gently. I felt all of her against me and it was like nothing else.

She responded in kind, running her hands up my back to my shoulders. I deepened the kiss and held her face in my hands.

I wanted it to last forever, to forget all my fears and escape the reality of the situation. But I had to pull away, Bella needed air.

We stood in the rain for another minute just holding each other.

"I love you Edward Cullen." Bella breathed, her lips bright red.

As we parted I smiled down to her, placing a light peck on her cheek.

"And I you, Bella." I answered before turning around. I hoped she didn't see my expression falter. There was just too much weighing me down.

Debussy flowed through the car as we drove back. Bella hummed along.

I took the time to relish the moment, pushing my worries to the back of my mind, as I reached out to hold her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

"Happy Birthday, Bella!"

I had been waiting for Bella by the front of the school when I heard Alice's voice ring across the parking lot. I leaned on the brick wall of, rather amused, as Bella cringed at the words.

Well, no so much cringed.

It was more like crouching, as if she were avoiding an aerial attack. She'd just gotten out of her truck and tried to blend in with the pavement. But Alice's presence ruined that plan.

'Shh!" She demanded.

Her annoyance was visible as Alice skipped over to her and asked if she wanted her gift. Bella's face contorted a little as she tried to control herself. There was no way of knowing exactly why Bella hated the acknowledgement of her birthday, I just knew she did. We'd talked, or argued I suppose, about the issue of her aging and me remaining the same. I'm sure that had something to do with it. But still, most humans…actually, most _beings_ loved attention when it was directed towards them, even more so when said attention involved gifts…

Gifts.

That was a whole other situation.

Not only was I to barely acknowledge Bella's birthday (which included the fact I was not to drive her to school), I was under strict orders not to spend any money on a gift. Bella's bizarre resistance to all things birthday was an anomaly to me. Of course, I wasn't going to let her hang-ups deter me. I would always find loopholes. I'd spent much more time on this earth; I knew my way around obstacles.

Alice, on the other hand, was openly flouting Bella's rules. Whatever excuse there was for a party: large (her wedding) or small (Rosalie's first engine rebuild) Alice was unstoppable…personal feelings be damned.

They reached me now. I held my hand out for Bella and she took it gratefully. Alice rolled her eyes.

_Sure, she's all smiles for lover-boy over there. What about me? I just planned the most perfect birthday party in history…_

I stared at Bella for a moment. Enjoying the feeling of her warmth in my hand, I raised a fingertip to her lips.

"So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct." She mimicked me.

"Just checking. You _might_ have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Bella didn't look amused by my sarcasm.

_She__will.__Believe__me__…_Alice giggled. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?"

Bella frowned. I sensed what was coming and braced for it.

"Getting older." She whispered.

I kept my face tight, not allowing any negativity to show.

_Oh__here__we__go.__It__'__s__not__like__she__'__s__not__going__to__her__damn__execution__… __the__girl__has__got__to__lighten__up!_Even Alice was exasperated with her moping. But she kept her tone light.

"Eighteen isn't very old. Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?" She joked.

"It's older than Edward."

Even with all my efforts, I couldn't hold in my sigh. Bella had such a fixation on our ages, on our future…

Not that I didn't. My thoughts on our relationship, from its woes to its joys, bombarded me incessantly. I had nothing to do _but_ ponder what I wanted and what I shouldn't have…the eternal battle of right and wrong. Maybe I was not upset so much with her as with myself. I'd let the entire summer pass without doing what I should've: make good on my promise. A thought that plagued me that day in the meadow.

But the focus on keeping Bella safe had dimmed over time; it seemed so much of the danger had passed. There was no tracker out to murder her. Her broken bones, cuts, and bruises had healed, leaving no physical reminder of those dark days. Only sometimes, when she would absently trail the scar on her hand would I struggle within myself; knowing I was part of that pain. Knowing it was me who put her in the position for _him_ to discover her. Then as quickly as I started, something would distract me. I would focus on the fact that he was gone and that I was so much stronger around her. Maybe I wasn't as big of a threat as I thought. And each time I rationalized, it was so much easier to disregard.

Especially on joyful days like this….

"Oh, be fair, Bella!" Alice's outburst brought me back as we stood by the front doors. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what _I_ want." Bella objected, deflecting Alice's massive onslaught of guilt. It was quite impressive actually. But she was no match for a Cullen tag team.

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school." I backed Alice up.

"I have to work." Bella explained.

_Ha! You think I'd leave that to chance? Bella, you don't know me one bit! _

Much to Bella's horror Alice explained that Mrs. Newton switched her shift; Bella's night was wide open. Of course Bella; beautiful, stubborn, girl that she was, argued that she had to watch a movie for school. She wasn't giving in.

_Watch__it__Bella._Alice scowled mentally. 'This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other—." Her tone was sour.

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday." I jumped in. Alice glared.

Bella stood next me, smug now. "So there."

_EdwardAnthonyMasonCullen you'd better have a good—_

"I'll bring her over around seven." I explained. "That will give you more time to set up." I winked at my sister.

Bella stood speechless at my side. I then felt the strangest thing, similar to maybe the sensation of a feather brushing my hand…

But the feather was warm.

I looked down and Bella was squeezing my hand so tightly her knuckles were white. I smiled. God, she was adorable when she was mad.

"Sounds good." Alice laughed, completely at ease now. "See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She leaned forward and kissed Bella's cheek. With that, she was off.

Sighing, I slowly turned to face my consequences, afraid of what I would see.

I expected to face a furious Bella. Instead, the pleading in her eyes froze me in my tracks.

"Edward, please—." Immediately I touched my finger to her soft lips; it was painfully difficult to resist her when she begged like this. But I fought the urge to cave.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

This year would be far more enjoyable; I had my schedule adjusted so I could have nearly every class with Bella. Ms. Cope was more than happy to help me out; she still hadn't gathered control over her lusting.

We muddled through the day. It was pouring when we walked outside.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?" Bella whined as we stood at her truck. She didn't move and the rain saturated her. Alice had taken my car home, disappearing immediately to take care of the party preparations.

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished." I smiled politely.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…" She taunted. Bella was incorrigible.

_Fine._

"All right." I walked to her side and got in, grimacing; I hated going slow. "Happy birthday." At least this gift was free. It fit Bella's standards.

She got in and I breathed deeply; the rain made her smell especially potent. Even now, my throat burned a little as I imagined her taste. Even though it was months ago, I would never forget that moment when I drank from her. I savored the memory before I distracted myself. I felt guilty as I fiddled with the knobs on the stereo (if it could be called that). Maybe I could find that fifties station…

"Your radio has horrible reception." I teased.

Bella's expression darkened. "You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car."

I hid my smile; if she only knew what one of her gifts would be. It was too ironic.

When we pulled into the driveway she didn't look happy. Maybe we both needed some distraction, and she did smell so good….

When she turned to me, I took her face in my hands. Gingerly, I traced her lips, her cheeks and her jaw. I heard her heart starting to race.

"You should be in a good mood today, of all days." I whispered an inch from her full lips; the urge to kiss them was maddening.

"And what if I don't want to be in a good mood?" She pouted, pushing me closer as her breath, sweet and warm, saturated the small space between us. I took one deep breath and was done for.

"Too bad." Was the only snide remark I could manage before pressing my mouth to hers. The sensation was heaven. Our lips moved in passionate unison…_careful_ passionate unison, of course. I could never let myself be completely free, for fear I would crush her…or worse.

When Bella's arms moved into a tighter embrace and her breathing deepened, my mind knew it was time to stop. It was rather contradictory to how the rest of me felt, though. Her small body was so close to mine; she didn't realize what she did to me. I smiled as I pulled her away, resting my lips against her cheek.

"Be good, please." I murmured against her flushed skin. My words were a warning to us both. Still I kissed her once more; I was addicted.

Her breath was uneven along with the rapid beat of her heart.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" Bella mumbled. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not." I smiled proudly. In truth, Bella's responses to me were amazingly attractive; she drove me mad. Why would I ever want that to stop?

Annoyed with my haughty response, Bella opened the door. 'Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?" She huffed.

"Your wish, my command." I complied as we headed into the house.

Watching Romeo and Juliet wasn't something I was looking forward to; I'd read it and watched it more than I could recall. But for Bella I would endure it. At least she was sitting with me so I could enjoy her for the duration of the film.

Within the first few minutes though I couldn't help myself and complained how Romeo was such a fickle creature. He made such terrible choices, such blatantly wrong actions that cost him his happiness and his life. How could one person so completely ruin themselves? It was beyond me.

Bella sighed impatiently. "Do you want me to watch this alone?" She threatened.

It was an easy choice to make. I would keep quiet. "No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." I traced the skin of her arms. "Will you cry?" I was always amazed at her human reactions.

"Probably, if I'm paying attention."

I took the hint but couldn't resist touching her as she watched the movie. Gently, I smelled her hair, letting the soft locks brush against my face. Intermittently, I would recite Romeo's lines, which I knew by heart, softly into her ear. I had to admit, his declarations of love took on a new meaning for me in those moments. Previous study of this story held only a cerebral interest to me; the expected study of classic literature. But now I could comprehend the heart and the passion of the tale as I sat with Bella. She was the center of my world, my reason for existence in this pale, empty place. Romeo was still a horribly flawed character but I could see him in a slightly different light now.

As Romeo and Juliet neared their ends Bella did cry. And it did amuse me; her emotions always got the best of her…but it _was_ a tragic tale. I had to admit to myself that if Bella no longer lived, then I wouldn't either. There would be no reason for me to continue on. A strange ebb of jealously found its way into me right then.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here."

"She's very pretty."

I grunted in disapproval. "I don't envy him the _girl_—just the ease of the suicide. You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…." I trailed off when I saw her face distort slightly.

"What?" She gulped.

I was slightly surprised by her shock. She didn't really think I would continue on if something happened to her? Or when something almost did happen to her…

"Last spring when you were…nearly killed…." I choked on the last words and paused to reign in my emotions. I didn't want to scare her or remind her of the horror of that time. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

My matter-of-fact tone didn't seem to register with Bella at all; her face was anxious and pale as she contemplated my words.

"Contingency plans?"

She couldn't be all that surprised, what did she expect me to do?

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi." My voice had darkened now when I spoke of my thoughts of dying. The Volturi were the only way…

"What is a Volturi?" Bella's horrified voice demanded. I'd forgotten that she knew nothing about this; it was all very confusing I'm sure. So I explained to her about the ancient Italian vampires and that didn't tolerate any vampire that bothered them, disobeyed them, or especially one that threatened all vampires' exposure to the outside world. They were my only hope of death…if the need arose.

I looked up to see a terrified expression on her face. In an instant her warm hands cupped my face. Her voice was an intense whisper as she commanded me.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not__allowed_ to hurt yourself!"

"I'll never put you in danger again so it's a moot point." I hoped she didn't notice that I did not agree to her terms.

"_Put_ me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" Her tone was becoming frenzied, angry. "How dare you even think like that?"

I asked her if the situation were reversed, what would she do.

"Would you want me to go _off_ myself?" She argued. The idea of her dying, especially over me, seemed infinitely painful. I pushed the idea from my mind.

"I guess I see your point….a little. But what would I do without you?" I had an eternity of emptiness without her. She seemed to think that I could just go back to my life before her. Like it was so easy, when in fact it was impossible.

We didn't get much further because Charlie came home with dinner. Within ten minutes I'd convinced him to let me steal Bella away for the evening. There was no way she'd get out of going to her own party if I had anything to do with it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: A huge thank you to those who've reviewed and checked this story out! I love you guys! Hope you enjoy the Party…**

I drove her truck to my home. Along the way I begged her to try to enjoy the party; my family was looking forward to it greatly. It had a very long time since we'd had a real birthday to celebrate, about seventy-two years actually. She finally conceded to try to her best, despite knowing that there would be gifts, and the rest of my family, Rosalie and all. Her and Emmett were traveling but promised to come back for the party. And I'd made _very_ sure that Rose would behave. I wasn't about to explain to Bella the horrible threats I made against her. Thankfully, Emmett promised to keep an eye on her.

Bella was very quiet, no doubt worrying about Rosalie. I didn't want that to spoil her mood; it was not worth it. I changed the subject.

"Isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"

There was more silence and it felt much heavier now. I instinctively grimaced as Bella spoke, her voice hushed.

"You know what I want."

My features darkened. "Not tonight, Bella. Please." This wasn't what I wanted to discuss…ever.

Bella ignored my plea. "Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

I growled, instantly fuming.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella." There was no room for question in my voice.

"That's not fair!" She yelled.

I didn't trust myself to speak; the topic made me so much more than upset. Refusing to fight about the subject any further, I didn't speak until we'd stopped in front of my house. From just the decorations outside Bella was panicking. She groaned when she saw it.

"This is a party, try to be a good sport." I asked quietly.

"Sure." She wasn't convincing.

I took her hand to help out and out of nowhere she took me by surprise.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?" She asked.

I laughed; she was always surprising me with her strange questions. I could never guess what she would say next.

We got inside to find the living room transformed with roses, candles, and a cake-all pink. I could feel Bella stiffen at the extravagance. Alice had outdone herself this time.

Carlisle and Esme hugged her warmly. Jasper stood further back, playing it safe. Rosalie only looked her way once, with a half-hearted smile. My intimidation had worked. Emmett smiled like an idiot when he saw her, he'd been gone a while. Bella blushed.

"You haven't changed at all. I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are red-faced just like always." He teased.

_I missed you, you crazy girl!_

"Thanks a lot Emmett." Bella's flush deepened. I couldn't say I didn't enjoy it.

Emmett started for the door. "I have to step out for a second. Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." He warned Bella.

"I'll try." Bella answered.

_Present time! _

Alice couldn't contain herself anymore. She sat Bella by the cake, handing her the first box. It was a gift from Rose, Emmett and Jasper. Bella opened it to find an empty stereo box.

She looked confused. "Um…thanks."

The moment made us all laugh, even Rose. Jasper explained that Emmett was installing it right now.

Bella smiled, the genuine joy warmed me as she thanked them.

"Open mine and Edward's next." Alice almost bounced off her seat, her voice was nearly a shriek she was so excited.

_I can't wait! All this planning! I know she will LOVE it. _

Bella turned to where I was seated next to her. She was shocked. "You promised."

I opened my mouth to defend myself but Emmett ran back in, bounding through the room like a train.

"Just in time!"

He moved in closer along with everyone else, even Jasper, to get a good view of the gifts.

It was like a real, human, family moment all being enjoyed together. I had to smile.

"I didn't spend a dime." I assured her, moving a lock of her hair from her cheek.

"Give it to me." Bella turned the gift in her fingers, taking one and plunging it under the wrapping paper. She slid it quickly across to tear it.

"Shoot."

I watched as Bella jerked her hand back and lifted her finger to her eyes. It was then, in perfect clarity, that I smelled it.

Blood.

It was just one, small, rounded droplet dripped on her fingertip, but it was enough. I stopped breathing. Seconds later everything changed.

_Edward! Get her out of the way!_

My head whipped around to see Jasper's face contort, his eyes dilated, nostrils flaring. I knew instantly this was very bad.

"No!" I roared in horror. I shoved Bella back, away from me.

All I heard was the shattering of glass; Jasper smashed into me with such force it expelled the air I'd been holding in. In that second of breathing, I smelled Bella's blood instantly; it was much more than a paper cut now, it was flowing, saturating the room. I could practically taste it in the air. My throat burned instantly. Jasper let out a visceral growl as he smelled it too.

_I want that blood!_

His thoughts chilled me to my core. He clawed frantically against me, his wild eyes locked on Bella behind me. Frenzied, his teeth snapped and ground together. I felt the venom drip onto my shirt.

It was only a second before Emmett had Jasper's arms locked behind him. He struggled violently but to no avail.

I was still standing defensively in front of Bella, glaring at Jasper. I heard Carlisle speak but was unaware of the words. Moments later, the room was mostly cleared out. But I had yet to move away from Bella. I had now crouched low over her body, still afraid of the danger. It was then that my eyes saw the damage for the first time. Bella lay sprawled in a heap of broken glass, a long gash on her forearm poured blood silently onto the floor and over the shards below her. Her face was pale, scared. She was frozen still.

Without warning, the darkness that threatened me so many months ago in Phoenix exploded inside me. Back then it only hovered on the edges, like a black threat not fully beheld. This wasn't just a reminder of a promise to keep her safe. It was a _demand_. The darkness reached out across my mind, churning and winding its way down through me, seeping into my heart, choking out my veins…

"Let me by, Edward." Carlisle's soft request pulled me back.

It took all I had to move away from her. Alice brought over a towel.

"Too much glass in the wound." He murmured, examining the damage. Carlisle made a tourniquet for Bella's arm. I was unresponsive, horrified by the events that had just transpired. I gently carried Bella to a chair so Carlisle could tend to her. I stood as close as I could, still not taking the chance of breathing. All the blood…

"Just go, Edward." Bella sighed.

'I can handle it." I was not going to leave her.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." She pushed.

Carlisle pricked Bella's arm with a needle, for the pain. She winced.

"I'll stay." I responded stubbornly. But it was hard, just knowing that her scent was all over and seeing the bright red staining on the towel under her arm. I tried not to think about it.

"Why are you so masochistic?" Bella huffed.

Carlisle spoke up this time. 'Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

"Yes. Go find Jasper." Bella insisted.

"You might as well do something useful." Alice added. _Please__Edward,__he__'__s__in__the__forest__already.__He__won__'__t__listen__to__me,__I__just__know__it__…_

That stopped whatever argument I was going to make; I couldn't be upset with Jasper. It was very difficult for him just being near her, even when there wasn't any blood. It was my fault for putting both of them in that situation. I didn't want him feeling guilty. As much as I didn't want to leave Bella I had to make that sure he knew that I wasn't angry with him. How could I be? It's our nature.

I ran out of the house as my last thoughts gnawed at me.

'It's our nature.'

There wasn't any more avoiding it. No more rationalization. Jasper's reaction showed exactly what we were. All of our pretenses: the education, our home, our cars and clothes, that would never change who were really were: killers. Now Bella was hurt. And it was because of me…again. But this time it wasn't a random vampire that hurt her, it was me. I threw her into the glass. What's more was that my own family almost killed Bella. If I hadn't stopped Jasper, she would be dead. I froze in my tracks. Anxiety seized me. How could I protect her from myself?

_He probably hates me. I'll never forgive myself for this…_

Jasper's thoughts slammed into me. I whirled around to find him pacing between the trees.

"Jasper."

He looked up. His eyes were tortured.

"Edward." His voice broke. "I am so sorry. I can't even begin to tell you how badly I feel."

"It's ok. Jasper, please don't beat yourself up over this. I cannot fault you for reacting. Any one of us could've done the same thing." I cringed at the thought.

"I cannot get her fear out of my mind. It was so strong, it made it more exciting. I wanted her so badly it makes me sick. Oh my god, Edward…please forgive me!"

I didn't know what to say. His words were disturbing to hear; I'd felt that way around her too. It only made my anxiety increase; proving my point further. I hoped he didn't notice. Reaching out, I placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Jasper, listen to me. It was an accident. I do forgive you, as I know Bella will too. Please be assured of that."

He let out a deep, shaky sigh, and nodded.

"I'm going to head back. I need to bring Bella home." I explained.

_I'm going to stay here a bit longer. I have to clear my head._

I nodded before walking off. As I passed slowly through the trees, my stomach knotted. The darkness crowded into my heart as a sickening realization of what I should do set in. There was no other way; I would not hurt her anymore. We would not be a threat any longer. I knew what was right, but how could I actually do it? I cursed bitterly as the ground became soft under my feet. I was on the lawn already. I stopped as I looked at the house, lit against the dark sky. Emotion welled up in me, the acutest pain of an impossible decision.

My family that had all escaped outside was nowhere to be found. They must've gone back in. I fought to hide my grief as I walked back inside.

"…I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." I heard Carlisle speaking softly. The strong smell of bleach filled the house, overpowering the scent of Bella's blood.

"…I suppose I should take you home now." He continued.

"I'll do that." I interjected as I entered the dining room with deliberate steps. As Bella watched me I saw a flicker of something in her eyes. Maybe she was in pain.

"Carlisle can take me." She argued.

"I'm fine." My voice sounded flat even to me. I looked at her bloodstained clothing; a harsh reminder of the monster that I was. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

Upstairs Alice was already in the closet. But her hands didn't move to the clothing; her thoughts were anxious and distracted.

_Why does your future keep changing? What are you thinking? Please don't do anything rash…._

"Alice, I am not having this conversation with you right now. Just let me get Bella home in one piece…if that's even possible."

Alice's arms were around my shoulders. She shook me. "Look at me!" She hissed.

"What?"

"This was an accident! We will be more careful next time. Please don't do anything stu—."

"Enough Alice!" I refused to get into this now. It was my decision to make and mine alone. "Bella's life is above all else."

Alice knew that. She let me go.

_I don't want you to start thinking like this….it frightens me. _

I sighed as I walked back out and downstairs. Alice followed behind, trying to assemble her thoughts. She went ahead to Bella, putting on a warm smile as she took her back upstairs to change.

A moment later I heard the whispers.

"How bad is it?" Bella's voice was soft as she whispered. Did she not realize I could hear her?

Alice knew, though. "I'm not sure yet."

"How's Jasper?"

For a moment my hard façade melted. Sweet Bella; always concerned about everyone else. It was one of the many reasons I loved her.

Alice explained about Jasper. He was disappointed with himself. Bella assured her that she wasn't mad at him before they came back down.

My expression was blank again as I looked at her, with her bandaged arm. The darkness filled me. During the ride home, it was worse; the silence in the car felt like it would swallow us both. My body was tense with the strain of my thoughts.

"Say something." She finally burst out. The pleading in her voice caused me pain.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked coolly.

"Tell me you forgive me." She begged.

_What?_ "Forgive _you_? For what?" I was appalled.

"If I'd been more careful nothing would have happened."

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." She was crazy to think was her fault.

"It's still my fault." She muttered.

That was it. I didn't hold back; the anger with me bubbled up.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage." I could hear the panic in my voice as my words only drove home the decision in my mind. It was a reality I wasn't ready to face…not yet. "If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

My rant fell on deaf ears; Bella only heard Mike Newton and went on about how she'd rather die than be with anyone but me. I didn't find that appealing or amusing. I didn't speak until we'd finally arrived and she asked me to stay.

"I should go home."

"For my birthday." She pushed.

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

She paused to consider it. She decided she wasn't to be ignored and I would stay. I carried her gifts as she walked towards the door. Before she went in, I leaned down.

"Happy Birthday." I kissed her lightly.

Bella reached up, trying to make it last longer, as usual. I had to smile, even in my dire state of mind. I sighed as I watched her walk inside. After a moment I slid silently into her room and waited.

**Please review :-)**


	4. Chapter 4

While I waited for Bella I decided that I would not let my dark thoughts ruin this night; her birthday.

When she returned, I tried to be happy.

"Hi." It came out more somber than I wanted but Bella walked slowly and sat in my lap, curling up against me. I never wanted her to move.

She asked to open her gifts, much to my surprise. I just didn't get her sometimes. When she saw the two tickets to Jacksonville from Esme and Carlisle she was floored. I couldn't believe her good behavior over the gifts. It was truly joyful to see her happiness.

"Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable." I teased her.

With that I opened my gift, a lone silver CD. She looked up at me, her eyes questioning.

"What is it?"

I found her CD player and put it in. Her lullaby filled the room. She sat in silence as it played. Finally she looked up at me with wide, tear-filled eyes.

I was abruptly nervous.

"Does your arm hurt?"

"No it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She was quiet again. We both sat holding each other, and listened. Her response filled me with such love; I didn't dare speak for a moment.

Bella didn't complain but I knew the anesthesia from Carlisle was wearing off; it didn't last for hours. I asked her again how her arm felt. She insisted it was fine, but she was a terrible liar. I got up to get her Tylenol and she seemed happy to appease me.

"It's late."

With that I laid her under the covers and tucked her in, before lying down next to her. Her lullaby played on. I thought of the past few hours and how they'd shifted my view so quickly and concretely. My breath caught quietly as a wave of guilt and anguish washed over me.

As if she knew, Bella whispered. "What are you thinking about?"

I paused, not sure of my voice. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday." She asked quickly; seemingly uncomfortable with my response.

"Yes." I answered, not sure of where she was going with this.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to." She teased me.

I was more than happy to comply.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." My voice felt tattered as I spoke; I was desperate to forget my thoughts. I just wanted her near me.

I took her chin and brought her face to mine, our lips met quickly. Her warmth soothed me instantly. I reveled in her taste. Gently I continued. I listened intently to each beat of her heart as it quickened. Suddenly, I was overcome; a mixture of desperation, pain, love-all of the emotions that had run though me tonight ignited, setting my heart ablaze. I deepened our kiss. My hands slid through her hair, gripping it tightly. Her heart stammered deafeningly, she pressed her body roughly against mine, sending my senses into a frenzy. I'd never felt so desperate to be with her. It felt like if I stopped now, all was lost, and somehow we would cease to be.

And almost as soon as it began, it stopped. I pulled back quickly, leaving Bella dazed and out of breath on the pillow.

"Sorry, that was out of line." I apologized.

"_I_don't mind." She gasped.

"Try to sleep, Bella." I fought to control myself, reeling in my emotions.

"No, I want you to kiss me again."

She didn't know how difficult it was to _not_ do just that. "You're overestimating my self-control."

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She taunted.

"It's a tie." I smiled in the dark room. She had no clue as to how she tempted me always. "Now, why don't you stop pressing your luck and go to sleep?"

She actually listened to me this time and dozed off quickly, leaving me alone to my treacherous thoughts.

As Bella slept peacefully in my arms, my mind churned. I knew what I had to do to keep her safe, what was right. But the right choice was unthinkable. The only way to keep her safe was to leave her, let her live her life like she should, like a human. My selfishness had blinded me, made me rationalize my existence in her world. It was a world I didn't belong….

I was so deeply lost in my thoughts that when Bella mumbled, I didn't catch her words.

Instantly, I was struck with a piercing pain. This was the last time I would be with her this way; I knew that in my heart already. Was that the last word she would say in her sleep? And I had missed it? My body flinched in agony as I comprehended the enormity of this night.

Silently, I vowed to not take my eyes off of her for those last hours. I poured over her features, committing them to my perfect memory. I watched her form shift slightly under the blanket, her eyelids moved in time with some unknown dream. How I would miss the mystery of her mind, the humor of her unexpected questions, her wit, her caring, her sprit of kindness. And that wasn't even touching upon her physical attributes: that beautiful long hair that I loved to touch. Those lips: perfect and warm. And her eyes…her eyes that made me feel loved and alive for the first time in my existence. The warmth and acceptance in them was unsurpassed.

The night turned into a mixture of extremes. One moment I was so caught up in relishing every breath she took, the next second I would plunge into crippling sadness. When that passed, I was filled with cold calculation; repeating in my mind why I could never stay, why it was wrong.

I was drained as the morning light made its way through the window, casting an eerie, grey tone across the bed. It fell in such a way across Bella's face that she looked cold and empty…like me. She looked dead.

My breath caught at the sight of it. She would never end up like me, _never_. I wouldn't allow the life to be drained from her purposely and I couldn't stay around to chance it happening accidentally. I recoiled at the thought. To hell with my own feelings, I had to do this to protect her precious soul.

Bella stirred, slowly opening her eyes. She looked up at me, tired and injured and…beautiful. I stamped the picture upon my heart before I lightly kissed her and left without a word.

When I got home I knew what was waiting for me. Alice would've seen my choice; it was set in stone now. I had just showered and barely changed when she came to room. Her expression was heartbroken.

"You're really going through with this?" It was a whisper.

I didn't answer aloud, I only nodded.

"When?"she choked out.

"As soon as I can, we need to make this as easy as possible. You can't show up at school from now on."

"What? Edward, no! I need to goodbye!" She sobbed. "Please!"

"A clean break, Alice, that's the only way Bella will be able to move on. She deserves a _normal_ life, not traipsing around with vampires all day." I snapped, the agitation and strain was taking a toll on me now.

"At what cost? She has a life with us!" Alice yelled, distraught.

"Is it worth it, really? _Is__it_?" I screamed. "Because putting her at risk _every__second_ she's around me or you or anyone else in this family, how is that ok? _It__has__to__stop_!" I paused, my voice dropped suddenly. "She'll be happy eventually, I'm sure..."

_And what about you? How can you think that you'll be ok after this? What will you do? Just move on, like it never happened? You and I both know that's not possible! And Bella? You're crazy it if you think she'll move on so easily. I can't believe you're doing this to us!_

I shot her a withering look. "You aren't helping, Alice. It's not about us anymore. This is for Bella's own good, to keep her safe. It's the right thing to do."

"But we are hurting her…." She whispered; defeated. She knew I wouldn't change my mind. She couldn't really argue against Bella's safety.

By now the rest of family had heard us. They could already sense that we would be leaving quickly. I knew Rose an Emmett were going anyway. Jasper needed time to re-collect his thoughts and he needed Alice with him. Esme and Carlisle, well, they would honor my decision, as horrible as it was…as much as I didn't want to do it. Carlisle had been lying about his age at the hospital for so long it was getting ridiculous. It was time.

"What's going on?" Esme asked quietly.

My shoulders sagged. "I'm going to keep Bella safe, no matter what. And that means we need to leave." I stopped as I found Carlisle's eyes. "I was kidding myself thinking we wouldn't be a danger to her. It was my own stupidity, I ignored it. I'm so sorry. Please understand."

_Oh my son…he'll never heal from this. He was so happy…._

Esme cried dry tears, her face in her hands.

It was the truth. I would never forget nor would my love fade with time. But I was willing to endure an empty eternity if it meant Bella would _live_ a full life.

Carlisle walked up to me. "Son, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be. If you truly feel this is the best way, we will bear this burden with you. I can tell the hospital I got another offer. We can be gone in a couple days, but first, please assure me. Is this what is absolutely needed? Remember, you will be wounding Bella's heart. Have you thought this through completely?"

I flinched at his words. It would devastate her, I knew that. But humans could forget, they could move on quickly. They weren't like me. I could only pray she would forgive me. She would move on.

"Yes. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her because of me or any of you." I pointed at my family. "This is only way. I'm so sorry." My eyes sank to the floor.

Emmett grabbed my shoulders.

_I'm really gonna miss her. _

_I knew this would end badly…_

My head shot up, my eyes blazing at Rose in fury. She caught them.

_Ok__fine__…__forget__that.__I__'__m__sorry!__You__'__re__right;__it__'__s__the__only__way__… _She looked down at her feet.

Alice was still and silent on my couch. _I__loved__her,__too.__She__was__my__friend__…_

"I know." It was all I could say.

"Edward. Don't do this because of what I did. I cannot bear it." Jasper paused in my doorway.

"It's not because of you, please know that." I begged. "It's my fault. I should've done this long ago, when I could've saved us all much pain. Please don't feel guilt over it, Jasper."

He nodded solemnly.

As soon as they left, I was outside, running to my car. I couldn't breathe. I sped through the streets. How could I do this? It would most definitely be the end of me, I was sure of that, to feign disinterest; to pull away from my dear, sweet, loving Bella. My fist knotted around the steering wheel in agony.

How could I do such a horrid, deceitful, hurtful thing? Could I even lie that well? Would she even believe it?

It would crush her, it would crush us both. My stomach lurched. I felt sick. I remembered instantly when James hunted her. Bella had to say the most hurtful, vile things to her father…but it _saved_ him, it _protected_ him. And he forgave her.

I had to do the same thing now. I hoped against all hope that Bella could forgive me, one day….


	5. Chapter 5

As I watched Bella pull in I was instantly nervous. I just wanted everything to go back the way it was. Where it would all be fine. I would say sorry, that I'm over it, and we could plan our trip to Jacksonville. It would be so easy.

But I couldn't. I wouldn't keep her danger just so I could feel good. I kept my face calm and distant as I walked to Bella's car.

"How do you feel?" I asked, walking slowly up to her.

"Perfect."

I doubted her answer greatly.

We walked silently to our classes all morning. Bella was intuitive; she would know something was wrong. Maybe she'd chalk it up to me being moody, which I often was. In truth, I didn't know what to say. How could I talk about trivial, everyday matters when I knew I would be leaving? It would only add more insult to injury.

As the day wore on, Bella's mood was pensive. But at lunch, when she realized Alice wasn't there, she began to look uneasy.

"She's with Jasper." I explained.

"Is he okay?" Worry tinged her voice.

"He's gone away for a while."

She was getting upset, I could see it. And it hurt.

"What? Where?"

"Nowhere in particular." My answers were nothing short of cryptic.

"And Alice, too." She added, putting the pieces together.

"Yes, she'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." I confirmed.

I decided it was best if I only answered direct questions; I didn't want to envelop myself in conversation for fear I would lose my nerve. Bella didn't look so well when I glanced down to her, though.

"Is your arm bothering you?" My attempt at distraction was feeble at best.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She sounded terribly upset. I felt the guilt swell up, but said nothing.

We spent the rest of day in awkward silence. So when Bella asked me to come over it surprised me a little. After my treatment of her, I thought she would tell me to go to hell or that she never wanted to see me again. Bella would never do that of course. It was just my selfishness secretly hoping I could escape an unendurable task. But alas, she still wanted me to come over after she was done with work.

"If you want me to." She was this so difficult.

"I always want you to." Her tone was slightly desperate. The guilt exploded again in my gut; I felt sick.

"All right, then." I tried not to see the disturbed look in her eyes when I kissed her gently on the forehead. I turned quickly and was off.

I got to Bella's early and waited in the living room with Charlie. We chatted lightly about sports and stared at the television. When Bella arrived, I kept my eyes glued to the screen. I wished to God that he would just destroy me right then and there for acting like such a monster.

_Well that's just strange. The tension with those two would stop a bullet…Did I miss something?_

Bella disappeared. She was gone for while. Each second that passed only ratcheted up my stress and my disgust with myself. I should just tell her now.

But Charlie…no, I couldn't. The rest of my family was leaving tomorrow; it had to wait just a bit longer. This was torture.

_What's taking her so long? There's only so much I can discuss ground-rule doubles and pitch counts with him. It's getting weird._

Upstairs, I was aware of Bella fiddling in her room with the camera. I heard the snap of the shutter. Moments later, she hovered near the entrance of the living room. Was she trying to be sneaky? I saw the flash. It wasn't a surprise-for me, at least.

"What are you doing, Bella?" _Thank__God__you__decided__to__show__up._

"Oh, come on. You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

I was shocked at her lightheartedness as she joked with Charlie for a minute. But when she asked me to take a picture of them together, she avoided my gaze entirely. It was a sham; I even had to remind her to smile for the shot.

"Let me take one of you kids." Charlie offered.

Dutifully, I stood with Bella next to me, our arms on each other. But I felt miles away. My insides were hollowed out; it was the emptiest I'd been…_ever._A second later the flash exploded. In an instant, I was out of her grasp and back on the seat. She stood, unmoving, for just a little too long before sitting by the couch.

_What's with them? Must be fighting or something._

The show ended and I stood to leave. Charlie bid me goodnight. Bella followed me outside into the rain. I went right to the car, hoping somehow my actions would send her the signal not to ask.

"Will you stay?" Her voice empty, hopeless.

I fought the urge to cringe; not wanting to answer. _Oh__my__Bella__…__I__want__to._

"Not tonight." I got in the car quickly, biting my tongue hard. It stung bitterly.

As I drove away I made the mistake of looking back in the rear-view mirror. Bella stood like a statue in the rain, watching me with an almost terrified expression on her face. I quickly looked straight ahead and hit the gas.

Halfway home, I pulled over. My body gave out. I fell back against the seat. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. I wanted to tear the car apart. I wanted to run through the woods and rip every tree from its roots. But the guilt crushed me so completely; I could do nothing.

Finally after what seemed like hours, I went home. Esme and Carlisle were leaving soon. It was almost over.

The next day was worse than the previous. I had to move completely away from her. It was the only way.

I helped her answer a question in English but that was the extent of our conversation. During lunch we were silent. I couldn't say the same for the thoughts of Bella's friends at the end of table when they noticed our obvious distance. Their reactions varied from true concern to cruel delight.

The day was over. Bella had to work. I had to hunt, but I couldn't. I was far too distressed. I went back to my now empty home, blasted my stereo and screamed along with the angriest of my music for hours. It was dark when I stopped. I wondered what Bella was doing. I visualized her staring out her window, waiting for me to step through it. Hoping against hope that everything would be fine…

Crippling pain seized me again. I fell against the wall, sliding down until I was crumpled on the floor. And there I stayed, afraid to move on the chance I wouldn't stop until I was with Bella, comforting her, holding her, apologizing-on my knees begging her forgiveness.

And so there I sat, paralyzed until morning.

Today was the end.

I readied myself during school, reminding myself this was for her safety. The silence between us was given at this point. The day went just like it had the day before. But as we walked to Bella's truck it seemed like she was going to speak after all.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I spoke first, already knowing what her response would be.

"Of course not."

"Now?"

"Sure." She didn't look sure. "I was going to drop a letter to Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

Seeing the envelope in the car, I reached in and grabbed it. I told her I would bring it instead.

"Okay." She agreed.

Bella still wasn't home when I got there. I knew what I had to do. Running swiftly into the kitchen I found a pen and paper, quickly leaving a note for Charlie.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B. _

After surveying it for any error in the handwriting, I laid it on the table. I went to Bella's room. I spotted the scrapbook from her mother on the floor by the bed. Gingerly, I opened it and removed the pictures of me.

_A__clean__break._I reminded myself.

The silver of the CD player caught my eye next. My hands shook as I removed its contents. I was quiet for a moment, trying to decide what to do. How could I destroy these things? They would be the only physical pieces of me left for the rest of Bella's life. I couldn't bear to have them gone for good. In one swift movement I pulled up a plank of Bella's floor and tucked the pictures and CD into the space between. When I was done there was no reminder of me that could be seen but I felt comforted knowing they were there.

Swallowing hard I looked around her room once more. Inhaling deeply, I let my perfect, wonderful memories of this room sift through me. It was an excruciating sensation.

Only a minute later I heard Bella's truck on the street. I was out the window instantly and by my car as she pulled up. She looked wary of my sudden interest in acknowledging her.

"Come for a walk with me." I didn't really ask as I took her hand, but she didn't resist. I tried not to think of how warm her skin felt. A bubble of grief rose inside me as we walked into the forest.

We were still in view of house when I leaned on the nearest tree. Although I'm sure it looked casual to her, I needed it to hold me up.

"Okay, lets talk." She looked directly into my eyes.

_A clean break. _

"Bella, we're leaving."

"Why now? Another year—."

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

My words came out in such a way that it left no room for an invitation.

She stood perfectly still and stared at me with the strangest expression; like the words were churning behind her eyes, her brain trying making sense of them. Then it clicked. Her face visibly paled.

It took everything not to reach out. I pushed against the tree, hard, and stared at her.

"When you say _we_—," her voice was faint.

I felt faint as I recited my cold, miserable lines. "I mean my family and myself."

And then I waited. Bella's head shook in disagreement, but she could not find her voice. Was it done then? Did she realize what I'd just said?

"Okay. I'll come with you."

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me." Her tone was turning desperate. Each word she spoke tore at my heart.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." _I__'__m__a__danger__to__you.__Can__'__t__you__see__that?_

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." She pleaded.

"My world is not for you." I pushed.

Her face became panicked.

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward!" She screamed. "Nothing!"

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." It was our nature. Something she needed to be far away from.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—."

"As long as that was best for you." I amended.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She shouted. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!" Her voice cracked with flayed emotion.

_I know. And mine is yours Bella…I swear it! You're my reason for existing at all!_

Overwhelmed, I stared at the ground, gripping the tree behind me. I could feel my face distorting in agony. I struggled to regain my composure; my thoughts and my words were moving so far apart, I could feel myself tearing in two. My heart screamed as I lifted my head, trying to erase my emotions.

_Forgive me._

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

It was a moment before the words registered. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole, the pain seared me from the inside out.

"You…don't…want me?" Her voice wavered.

"No."

She stared into my eyes, searching for something. But my mask was well-worn, my expression painfully smooth.

"Well, that changes things." Her voice was strangely calm and it terrified me beyond words.

She truly believed the most heinous lie of them all. How could I ever _not_ want her? My heart splintered into pieces. I focused on the branch of a tree a half a mile away, afraid that if I looked at her face I wouldn't last.

"Of course, I'll always love you...in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not. Bella, I am not human." Finally, I turned to her again. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

Bella face filled with disbelief as she stared at my eyes. What did she see? A liar? A monster? Would she ever forgive the misery I was inflicting?

"Don't." She choked out. "Don't do this."

But I had to. There was no going back now.

"You're no good for me, Bella." I bit my tongue, cutting angrily through the traitorous flesh.

Again she stayed silent. It seemed she accepted that explanation too. I wanted her to scream, to hit me, to tell me I was wrong-that I was crazy to say such things, that it was _me_ who didn't deserve _her._ But she just stared listlessly.

"If…That's what you want."

My fingers dug through the bark as I struggled with what I was hearing. How could she accept this? After all of my declarations of love..._how_?

There were no words. I could only nod; a blank acknowledgement of the most atrocious of lies. And even then, I had one more thing to ask of her; selfish, loathsome creature that I was.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

Something sparked in her, removing the despair off her face. Hope? Love? I felt myself moving toward the same reaction.

"Anything." She breathed.

There was no apprehension in her voice. Even after my horrific treatment, her eyes vowed to me her promise. I could see the love in her eyes. I did not deserve such love. I could not hold back my emotions. With fervor I stared down to her, willing her to heed my words.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" My words came out thick with emotion. If something happened to her, I could not exist in this world anymore.

As quickly as I spoke, I pulled back, regaining my cool disposition. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him."

_For us both._

She nodded. "I will."

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back." The words felt all wrong passing from my lips. But it was the easiest way for her, the _right_ way. "I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

A hard thumping distracted me momentarily before I realized it was Bella. I saw the pounding pulse in her neck, moving in tortured unison with her ragged heartbeat. Neither of us could bear it any longer, this had to end.

"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is like a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" She gasped, horrified.

"Well—," I paused; I could never forget her. "I won't forget. But my kind…we're _very_ easily distracted." I tried to smile. I didn't want her to ever worry for my feelings. Finally I stepped away the tree, slightly moving away from her. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

A look of comprehension flashed in Bella's eyes. "Alice isn't coming back."

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Bella repeated, her voice faltered slightly.

I told Bella how she wanted to say goodbye; I wanted her to be reassured of Alice's friendship. But it would have only hurt her more; been harder to let go.

Quietly and with a plunging heart I had come to my end. "Goodbye, Bella."

"Wait!" She stumbled towards me. Her face was a sickly white. Her arms reached to me, begging.

Overwhelmed, I allowed myself one extra second with her. With the greatest care I held her arms and leaned down to her soft skin, placing a single kiss on her forehead. I savored the essence of her scent, her taste, the sound of her heart, the warmth of her body so near to mine.

"Take care of yourself." I whispered softly.

I pulled back and saw her eyes were closed.

And in that second I was gone.

My feet barely touched the soft moss as I ran. I listened for her, even though I knew I shouldn't. Would she scream out? Would she follow me?

But there was only silence. The air shuddered around me as I ran. Every step I took away from her pulled apart the shards of my shattered heart, leaving a gaping hole where it had been.

After a minute I turned back towards her house. I had to get to my car and move it before she got back home. It would only make things harder on her if she saw it again. Moments later I was back to the driveway. I didn't look around or at the house; if I did I would probably lose it.

In seconds I was flooring it out of the driveway and down the street. I neared my home in record time. The house stood still and dark, filling me with crushing despair. I jumped out of the car and ran into the forest, like somehow I could escape my emotions.

It seemed like hours before I stopped. And when I did, my legs gave out. It was raining now; my knees sunk into the soft earth. Sobs racked my body mingled with loud, ugly gasping as the full reality of what I'd done crushed me into nothingness.

_It's over._

I would never see my Bella again. Never hold her, see her smile, kiss her, watch her sleep, or marvel at her blush, laugh with her…

My fingers found their way around a rock by my knees, pulverizing it in seconds. But it didn't distract me. Standing now, I put my fist through the trunk of the nearest tree, toppling it. But it didn't dull the blinding pain. Nothing could fill the empty shell that I was now.

I remembered back when I realized how in love with Bella I was. I felt turned inside out, transformed. Bella had made me whole. I was going to be forever changed by her true love. And I would never forget, _never_. The only solace I could take with me was that I was suffering _for_ her; to keep her safe from harm, safe from _me_. She would heal from the wounds I'd inflicted. She would live a long, full life.

That had to count for something.

When I finally moved again, night had fallen. The forest was blanketed in inky darkness; a perfect match for my heart…a desolate, black void.


	6. Chapter 6

I walked back to my house in the rain. I had no energy to expend on running. The scene probably looked like something out of a zombie film: me, pale and staggering through the forest with muddied clothes, empty eyes, void of all emotion. My life was now a horror movie.

I dragged myself inside, gathering my belongings in a bag. I didn't even know what to do. Was there anything that was worth doing anymore? All I knew was that I needed to leave this place.

For a long while, I sat on the couch just staring out the back window.

A few hours later I was nearing the airport. It took so long because I couldn't bring myself to speed, remembering how my driving always scared Bella. A searing pain shot through me as I thought of her name. As I gasped at the sensation, my arm shot out to the dashboard to brace myself. My fingers hit the stereo power button and Debussy resounded in the small space. The searing pain was gone, supplanted by white hot agony. My hands convulsed, my fingers instantly focused on shutting the music off. My car veered car off the road. I swerved to a stop, shutting everything off.

It was quiet for second before I screamed. The sound rose from inside me, clawing its way up, pulling with it all the pain, guilt, sorrow, and anger I felt. The sound muted out the pounding rain, the traffic passing by, even the planes departing overhead. I squeezed my eyes shut, holding my face tightly in my hands. My fingers formed claws, scraping down my skin. It did nothing to take away my pain. I felt empty, cold, and alone. It was worse than nothingness. It was constant misery, it would never fade. How could I _bear_ this?

I didn't move from that spot all night. I felt blind, staring but seeing nothing. I had no point anymore. My mouth formed a grimace, a twisted smile of self-loathing when I realized I'd always truly been alone-before Bella at least. My hands shot up to my heart at her name in my head. I felt like before her I was clamoring in the dark, alone, but I had finally gotten to live in the sunlight, and it gave me a purpose and hope, for the first time. And now, again, out of my selfishness for that light I had ruined myself. And her. It was like I had been shoved outside into the cold, and I could never return. It was all the more staggering of a loss because I'd had true love and happiness and now I knew what I was missing.

My face fell forward into my hands and I cried. But I couldn't even have _that._ My hands were dry, no true tears stained them. I was empty in the most literal sense with no outlet for my pain.

Finally I moved enough to drive into Seattle, where I checked into a hotel near the airport. I didn't leave for three weeks. I literally stayed on the bed and wished for death. I didn't even hunt. Hunger didn't even occur to me anymore.

After all that time being completely useless, I had to get up. I wasn't sure what drove me to stand up even, but I did. I looked out the window over Seattle. The rain poured in sheets against the glass. It took me a moment to realize it had been raining all day but I was just hearing the noise now. My face contorted a little, as I wondered what else I missed. Was I hungry? Did I even shower? Did someone come clean the room? I noticed a faint smell of human that lingered fresh in the air, near the bathroom. Maybe housekeeping had stopped in. I must have spoken to them; they had left towels on the counter. How did I miss that? I looked back out the window, confused. Was my pain so acute that I was blocking out whole pieces of time? It was like I was so altered I couldn't function in any way.

My legs moved backwards until I felt the bed behind them. I sat down on the edge. Suddenly my mind sprang awake, in the most vivid and excruciating way and I was helpless to stop it as I stared into the rain.

_I sat in the rocking chair in the far corner as I waited for Bella to awaken, sitting in quiet contentment for another two hours before the muffled sunlight finally crept into the room. Bella's breathing gradually became shallow and she began to move under her blanket, her right arm draped over her face._

"_Oh!" Bella sat up quickly and her stunning eyes fluttered open. Her long hair was tangled about haphazardly._

"_Your hair looks like a haystack…but I like it." I lied. _

_I loved it actually. She was perfect._

"_Edward! You stayed!" She jumped up and ran to me._

No. no. no! Shaking hands quickly covered my eyes, like somehow they would stop me from seeing my memories. My chest was aching and I felt weak.

I sat in quiet anguish after that, trying to figure out what to do. I needed _something_ to focus on, something to distract me, if that were even possible. I was so full of despair I needed to expend the negative energy that was building up. I wanted to take it out on something, _someone._

Instantly the vision of a bloodthirsty, conniving, red-head filled my mind.

_Victoria. _

I very nearly grinned in the blackness as murderous rage rocketed through me. I could feel my fingers twitch in anticipation. She would pay for helping James go after Bella. I winced at the name again but this time I found my strength quickly. I would find her. _She__would__pay._

The thought that I could escape from this pain, even for a short time, revived me. I showered quickly and changed. I checked out, leaving a generous tip for housekeeping; I wasn't sure how I treated them or if I even spoke to them. In either case, seeing me in that condition probably gave them quite a shock.

I drove towards Forks. Was Victoria even around still? I could only hope to track her scent or find some clue as to where she went. This was now my only concern; I would go as long it took to find her. I had nothing else left.

I started tracking in the outlying forest around Forks, carefully avoiding town or anywhere near Bella. I had quickly moved significantly further out, traveling down route 101, headed south. Slowly I started moving west. I worked all on foot. I had left my car at home, hidden in the garage. I carried only a backpack with some clothes and my phone. For the first couple weeks I ran and tried to track all unfamiliar scents. Sometimes I would hunt, but only when I really felt it necessary. I checked into a motel here and there so I could shower and change.

It went on like that for a very long time, during which I tried my best not to think at all. Sometimes though, I would slip and imagine how Bella was, what she was doing, if she was any better off then me. And for those thoughts, I would suffer greatly, usually ending up slumped against a wall in a seedy motel or a tree in the woods, gasping for breath and sobbing dry tears. I was absolutely lost without her. The empty hole never felt any different, it was just as painful as the first day.

It was nearing the end of November when I finally ran into a nomad while hunting in the Rocky Mountain, although our choice of game was different; the woods there were plentiful with solo hikers. He had seen "a spitfire red-head" as he called her a few weeks before. She had hunted with him for a day but left soon thereafter. He said she'd mentioned something about the south, Texas or something like that. I thanked him.

It was evening when I left the woods to find a motel. I rented a little cabin near the mountains. After checking in, I sat on the small bed for about an hour before deciding to call Esme. It had been too long and I was being a terrible son. I'd been so wrapped up in my pain and finding Victoria that I'd truly abandoned my family.

The phone rang only once before she picked up.

"Edward! It is so good to hear from you." Esme's voice was so full of warmth and love; it actually made me smile for the first time in a long time.

"Hi, mom. I just wanted to see how you two were doing. Well, I hope?"

"Oh yes, we're fine, dear. And what about you?" Worry tainted her tone. I knew she was probably afraid I was having some sort of breakdown. I wanted to quell her fears; I didn't want her worrying about me. I forced my tone to be light.

"Don't worry, mom. I'm ok." _Liar._ "I just wanted to tell you that and I will be gone for a while. I'm in the Rockies right now, but I will most likely be headed south in the next week or so. It's like a vacation, really." I tried to laugh, but it came out more like choking.

"I don't like how you sound. What can I do to help? Please tell me." She begged.

"Nothing." I responded, my tone sour. Instantly contrite for being rude, I warmed my voice again. "I mean, this whole traveling thing, its nothing. No big deal. It's Texas, not Japan." I tried to joke.

"Texas?" Her motherly tone kicked in quickly. "Edward, I don't know what you are going to do, but please don't be irrational. I know how you can get."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "Mom, I'm not doing anything even close to dangerous. I have to get away for a while. I just need time. I will be fine. Please don't worry."

"I can't promise that, son. But I will try. I love you."

"I love you, too." I sighed, running my hand through my hair. It felt terribly filthy.

I talked to Carlisle for a few minutes before hanging up. Putting on a happy façade was exhausting. I stood up, hoping a shower would clear my head and revive me slightly. Plus, I really needed it.

I grabbed some clothes from my backpack and went down a short hallway to the bathroom. I opened the door and was hit unexpectedly with the smell of freesia. The power of my memories almost knocked the wind out of me. I eyed a small plastic air freshener plugged in by the sink. I ran to it and ripped it out, glaring at it before crushing it in my hand.

_That was stupid…_

I instantly regretted my action. The smell was now imbued in my skin, coating my hand from palm to fingertips. I roared, angrily trying to fight the wave of agony I knew was coming. And then it came, crashing over me. I ran back to the bed, curling up. My hands squeezed my temples, trying to will away the memories.

_As I waited patiently for her, I took advantage of how close I was to her perfect neck; my nose gliding over it again and again. I was floating when she spoke again._

"_I thought you were desensitized." _

"_Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet,"  
>I whispered, my lips lingering near her ear. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender…or freesia. It's mouthwatering." <em>

"_Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell." She joked. I laughed at her lightheartedness. I was so comfortable with her._

I sobbed, my eyes tightly shut. My fingers carved furious circles into my skin, trying to forget.

_I leaned down to kiss her forehead and unwittingly groaned; the smell of her was almost otherworldly. Her naturally sweet scent was intensified by the fresh rain on her skin. Bella looked up at the sound. _

"_You smell so good in the rain."_

"_In a good way, or in a bad way?" _

"_Both, always both." I confessed. _

I curled up tighter, gasping for breath. I remembered how her skin felt that night when I first stayed over. How her wet hair soaked her hole-filled tee shirt. Then I saw her in the Jeep, dampened by the rain before baseball. I remembered her smell…

Involuntarily I held my hand to nose. The synthetic freesia scent was nothing close to Bella, but in my state it was if she was here. It was both a torture and a comfort. And there I stayed, with my hand at my face, my body contorted in pain.

I didn't move for two days.

It took everything I had to get up finally. I hunted for a very short time before going back and finally showering. It was very difficult to actually wash my hand, like I would lose her again somehow. I was pathetic.

How could I ever move on? How could I do this?

I knew I would never actually move on, but this obligation of finding Victoria was a welcome change for me. I would not stop. I would leave for Texas tomorrow.


End file.
